Xiaolu

"And amazingly there wasn't any worries or sadness at heart, it was pure peace and joy."

I was born in an unreligious family. Both my parents are atheists like most who’ve grown up and been educated in Communist China. Evolution is the only theory taught in school regarding the origin of the world so everyone takes it for granted. I had never learned anything about religion in school. There's simply no class dealing with this subject whatsoever.
 
I remember visiting a church by myself when I was 15 years old merely out of curiosity. Someone gave me a hymnal and I hid it for a long time because I loved the songs. I was a member of a girls choir for the city's broadcast station for three years during high school and college. I learned many Christmas Carols and every Christmas we went to sing for foreigners at Hotels. It's funny that I didn't know the meaning of what I sang but I just loved it. I felt peace and awe when I sang those carols, but I had never heard any stories about Jesus Christ.
 
In 1998, after I finished my MA program in China, I got an opportunity to work as a language assistant at Furman University in SC, where I first met my roommate Megan and started to learn about Christianity. Furman is a very religious school; everyone talks about God and prays at the dining hall and goes to Church on Sundays, so I went to Church, too. I enjoyed listening to the singing but I didn't understand the pastor well enough and I simply couldn't find the verses he quoted from the Bible fast enough because I had never read Bible before. At the same time, I wondered how a well-educated person could believe in anything other than Evolution.
 
Megan was very sad that my heart didn't change, even though I went to church with her every Sunday for a year. I was interested in knowing more, but I just couldn't believe something that I couldn’t see or hear. Each time when we were in the church or someone was praying, I felt awkward because I didn't know what to do and I didn't feel the same way that others felt. I just pretended by lowering my head and closing my eyes. I was talking to no one.
 
After knowing people who were so faithful and confident of their faith, I started to envy Megan for having this faith and wanted to know how I too could be accepted and saved. I expected something dramatic would happen to me. When nothing happened, I became confused and frustrated. Fortunately, thanks to Megan and others' encouragement, I never got disappointed or angry with God. I always thought that perhaps I needed to be more qualified. I know now that that’s wrong, too. Being saved is not like graduating from school or passing a test; you can’t read the Bible and memorize every word and be saved.

I returned to China in 1999 and stopped going to church and had no Christian friends. I stayed away from God for many years, but I never shut the door. I wasn't hiding from God; I was still waiting and seeking in some way. I thought I was not lucky enough to be born in a better environment to grow in the Christian faith, so I wanted my daughter to start as early as possible. In 2002, I got another chance to work in the States and I bought a children's Bible for my daughter (Bibles aren’t sold in bookstores in China). I started to tell her Bible stories, and by doing so, I felt closer to God. In order to explain things to my daughter, I started to talk to more Christians and ask for their opinions and experience. I stopped trying to picture God as a conceivable image. The Bible says, "A little child will lead them" (Isaiah 11:6). Parents often find the Lord through their children.
 
Five years later, I was brought to Washington, DC to teach another language program. Away from my family and having no friends or colleagues, I felt extremely lonely. I started to ask myself why I was there. Over the years, I kept being brought to the States for jobs I never applied for. “Why me? Is it worth it?” I wondered. I wasn’t there for money; I have a decent job and a well-established life in China. What was the reason or purpose for me to put down all the seemingly important things to come so far?

Naturally, I started to call Megan in South Carolina and we talked about God again. I felt better after calling her, but Megan was too far away from DC, and she was busy with her family. I started to talk to Yun Seok, one of my Korean American students. I told him about the frustration and confusion I felt after searching for God for 9 years and seeing no change in my heart. I asked him how he became a Christian and he showed me the website of the Christian community he belongs to on campus. We also listened to his friend’s life changing testimony online. At that very moment, I started to cry, and for the first time, I felt that I understood something. I believed that I was not abandoned or forgotten, but that God was seeking me, too.
 
I prayed very hard that night and the next morning. The next morning, each time I thought of God I burst into tears. In the evening, I went to the Georgetown Community Church (3 Strands) with Yun Seok.

As soon as we stepped into the church, I felt at home. It reminded me of the church I went to with Megan; it wasn’t too big, had friendly people and a warm atmosphere. 
 
When we started to sing, every sentence on the screen suddenly became so meaningful for me that I just couldn't stop crying. My tears kept dropping on my hand. I was crying during the whole service because each time when I heard God's name I just couldn't help it. And amazingly there were not any worries or sadness in my heart; it was pure peace and joy. I finally realized the reason why I was there. Life is full of uncertainty. When we are young and ambitious, we often worry about the future and try our best to control it; we plan our daily lives around our family, friends, and work, and we often forget that God is there with us. We get so caught up in planning out our own lives that we stray away from God. God had to take me away from the most important things in my life such as my family and work so that I could take a long, hard look at my life. I had to be stripped of all I knew as familiar and safe to realize that I was missing the most important thing in my life. There was a deep hole in my heart that only Jesus could fill. Now that I have given my heart to God, I feel a satisfaction and fulfillment that I had never known before. God has been so good to me. He kept bringing me back and never gave me up. And He's so kind and good to save me and forgive me right after I started praying to Him from my heart.
 
For many years I could have just told people that I was a Christian; I went to church, read the Bible and prayed occasionally, but there was no change in my heart. That day when I went to GCC (3CC), when I was crying and Yun Seok was praying for me, I know I was saved. All my sorrow and depression passed away. I'm not worried anymore. I finally feel confident and comfortable to say that I'm a Christian.  

I see now that there was a purpose for everything. Megan's mother once told me that "Our God never makes a mistake and there are no coincidences with God. It was not a coincidence that you came to Furman or that you and Megan were room mates... That was all a part of God's plan for you to know Him." I think I see a part of God's plan now. I realized that day at GCC (3CC) that my name -- Xiaolu, literally means 'knowing the path' in Chinese. It’s amazing that I had never thought about it until that point.
 
Finally, I'd like to quote some powerful sentences I read from a book I found in a second hand bookstore. It's a book about daily insights on faith. I turned to the page written for my birthday, which reads:” The Son of Man came to find lost people and save them. LUKE 19:10. Our God is the God who follows. Have you sensed him following you? He is the one who came to seek and save the lost. ... God gives us himself. Even when we choose our hovel over his house and our trash over his grace, still he follows. Never forcing us. Never leaving us. Patiently persistent. Faithfully present. He uses all his power to convince us that he is who he is and he can be trusted to lead us home."